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Author: Ali Lehman -  March 2021

DILDO DISASTER: SHE WON'T FUCK ME 

DILDO DISASTER

Are millennials really having less sex? 

Women are having sex with more quality and less quantity. Often, quality sex is a solo game. Empowered sexuality is so distasteful if she won’t fuck you. What’s worse than a hot girl showing her ass on Instagram and not putting out IRL?

Most male-identifying folks stick an appendage in a hole and thrust until it feels good. This isn’t the case for most female-identifiers.

A study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine reports that 87 percent of heterosexual men orgasm during partnered intercourse, with only 49 percent of women doing so. Women are losing their motivation to participate.

If women have less hetero-partnered sex, there are fewer STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and abortions, a lower birthrate, and less overpopulation. The one severely negative consequence: pissed off men. Straight single guys are angry at women because they’re getting less pussy. Women can get off without them. 

They need to fuck something. Well, there’s a toy for that. 

Most human girlfriends can’t give a BJ like a porn pro. Introducing the AI Autoblow, the first toy with a penis stroking mechanism that performs 16 oral sex techniques. It was created by artificial intelligence programs programmed with porn.

Has the AI Autoblow had to overcome any obstacles to success? It reached a record-breaking $315,000 crowdsourcing pledge (626% of its initial goal) from 2,400 men in 46 countries, within two months of launching.

According to the Autoblow’s creator, “The monotony of manual masturbation will no longer be a burden to the men who choose my device.” So, you’re saying jerking off is a heavy load to bear? As the poet George Herbert once wrote, “No one knows the weight of another’s burden.”

The burden of the female orgasm is no longer a weight for men to bear.

In 2019, a product called Osé was introduced at the CES Awards. The first vibrator of its kind, the Osé gives women a blended clitoral and G-spot orgasm.

CTA, the organization behind the consumer technology awards program, is known for honoring fuckable female sex robots and hiring “booth babes.” They made headlines for giving the Osé an honoree designation, then taking it back. CTA claimed the product was “immoral, obscene, indecent, profane or not in keeping with CTA’s image."

An organization has the right to deem a sex toy obscene. But CTA has a VR porn company exhibit every year, allowing men to watch pornography in public as consumers walk by. The organization recently honored OhMiBod with the Best of CES award in 2016. OhMiBod won for the Lovelife krush Kegel exerciser. It’s a women’s health product, but not technically one built for her pleasure. While we could see this as a product designed to help women with weak pelvic floors, let’s instead view it through the eyes of CTA: it’s a vagina muscle tightener, designed to improve sex for men.

Only one out of 100 CES Best of Innovation Award winners were female-founded. This isn’t just an issue for women in the boardroom, it’s a problem for women in the bedroom. According to Osé’s creator, Lora Haddock, “We firmly believe that women, non-binary, gender non-conforming, and LGBTQI folks should be vocally claiming our space in pleasure and tech—both of which are still heavily dominated by male-CEOs and executives.” Osé isn’t the female counterpart of a Fleshlight, it’s attempting to be the great equalizer in human sexuality.

Osé exhibited at a neighboring media event with signs blasting the CTA for its decision. After much publicized protest, the vibrator was given back its Innovation Award. 

Who could deny recognition for a machine that gives the gift of a blended orgasm?

Can you expect to find satisfaction in a real relationship when the Osé gets you from 0 to 60 in under a minute? Why give that Bumble date a second chance when you have a robot at home sucking your dick like a porn star?

Our lives are becoming increasingly isolated: fewer public transportation options, remote work opportunities, online dating, texting over phone calls, and mechanically assisted masturbation.

If we invest more in our partner’s pleasure, maybe we can start to shrink the isolation gap. Perhaps the things we lean on to improve the quality of our self-imposed loneliness are the wedges driving us away from each other.

We shouldn’t disqualify the benefits of intimacy, human touch, and contact. There’s beauty in body heat and pheromones robots can’t replicate. Yet.

DILDO DISASTER

Model: Freak Daddy
Photography: Jess Williams
Styling: Andrea Kay
Hair & Makeup: Lauren Danielle

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